what a week! the ladies at work kept me crazy busy with valentine orders and i am extremely grateful! i carried this into work on thursday morning.
it was a wonderful week. tuesday night was our first training session with bethany. we discussed many things like our greatest excitement and greatest fear. we also got some great information about attachment parenting and how to be productive while waiting (can anyone say nursery!). i walked away on tuesday still thinking about the five stages of grief. i know they were discussing this for the benefit of the children we will bring home but i realized that i went through the stages with my infertility. the whole process of that took almost a year exactly. one year ago i was scared/mad to be turning 25. i did not want it and was so not happy about it. i didn’t know why…i just knew thats how i felt. it was about the same time that clay and i started to think about getting some tests run to see why we couldn’t conceive. i didn’t want to do that either…mainly because i didn’t want the word “infertility” in my chart. craziness, i know. i was scared of the number 25 and the word “infertility”. i realized on tuesday that was the first stage, shock/denial. these things were NOT happening to me. the second stage is anger. and i don’t remember being angry at anyone but i was angry at the way i handled things sometimes. it was usually when i found out someone i knew was pregnant. my first reaction was jealousy and i hated that. i wanted to be joyful with them but couldn’t seem to get past my own selfishness. the third is bargaining and i can’t say i really did this or at least i don’t remember doing it. the fourth stage, despair/depression, has been the most recent. it’s the attitude of “i don’t care anymore”. it wasn’t that i didn’t care but that i didn’t want to care so i found other things to focus on and look forward to. i tried to pretend like it didn’t matter anymore…that being a mom was not what i had looked forward to since highschool. i’ve never been the girl to have the dream career. i always wanted to be the wife and the mom. i wanted to have my house filled with the laughter of my children and their friends. but for the last few months of 2008, i tried to run away from all that. and then a simple conversation on thanksgiving break brought it flooding back. i knew adoption would be in my future, i just didn’t realize it would be my first child. and thats when the fifth stage came swooping in. i began to accept that i may never experience pregnancy and i am also beginning to understand the beauty of adoption.
so wow, that was really honest. just keeping it real right? it’s been a crazy year and now my 26th birthday is just two days away and i can’t wait to embrace it. i’m heading out to shop for a new dress, then it’s off to a movie with april because the hubs is at work. hope yall are having a wonderful valentines day!
Auntie Patty said,
February 14, 2009 at 10:39 pm
You have just simplified feelings that take some people years to work through! I am sure your testimony will minister to many in the years to come…it did me. I have never really explored MY feelings(I see now that I just kinda shoved them down) on our miscarriage over a year ago, but I just trusted God that it was best for his glory however he wanted to use it. Thank you for sharing. I see that it was something I needed to grasp as we begin our adoption journey at 45 yrs old. I love you like family girl…well,’cuz you are!..Did you get your birthday gift with a little unisex gift for baby tucked inside?
Jessica said,
February 16, 2009 at 1:19 pm
Hannah, i think you are one of the most amazingly strong women i know! i am so proud of you and clay going through this adoption process! i know many women who decide to be pitiful and use their difficulties as a crutch, but you are being proactive! i know God will bless both of you and that you will be a fantastic mommy when the time is right! i can’t wait to hear about everything that you guys go through, and just think, one day, your daughter and her friend will be in your living room discussing how awesome they are to not only have finished 8 minutes abs, but to have done it TWICE! love you girl!
Karen said,
February 16, 2009 at 5:04 pm
wow! hannah…thanks for pouring out your heart!!! What a blessing it is to be getting to know you and Clay better…speaking of…when are we rescheduling???:):)
And…is today your bday??????
Adam said,
February 22, 2009 at 1:19 pm
i love keeping up with you guys through this…thank you for being deligent
i also LOVE that your starting to the name “the one with…”
makes me smile ALL THE TIME
Bethany said,
February 25, 2009 at 8:22 am
I’m so glad I found your blog! I love reading blogs! I have found so many international ones but not so many domestic. My DH and I are adopting domestically for the first time. We are blessed with one of our own together (our true miracle child) but I still desperately want to share in the joy of raising another child with my husband. I can completely relate to all the stages of emotions you went through. My first was SHOCK and disbelief, and then anger. My DH and I would discuss infertility treatments and then end up in a fight. And then the next stage – devestation every time I learned someone else was pregnant. I would cry and cry and be so jealous. I would even be like “why them? We have a bigger house and more money, etc” I was EVIL for awhile there! lol But it just didn’t seem FAIR! But once adoption came up, a peace just settled over me, and now I am elated to be adopting! God is faithful and didn’t forget about me, even when the world was getting pregnant! He hasn’t forgotten about you either! I can’t wait to continue to follow your journey! Blessings!
Tanna Roush said,
March 1, 2009 at 2:20 pm
You are so wise! It takes great strength to put all of your thoughts and feelings out there to inspire other people (and to work through your own emotions).
It’s nothing compared to all you have gone through but we experienced secondary infertility when we were trying to get pregnant with Parker (it took 16 months) and all indications are that we are at the beginning of thirdary (if that’s even a word
infertility right now (after miscarrying a few months ago). The point is…God takes us down all sorts of paths to build our faith and teach us how to be more like Him. You have turned something so heartbreaking into something so beautiful and not many 26 year olds would have had the wisdom to let God do that in their lives. God’s ways are good…His decisions are right…and His timing is PERFECT! And I could not be more excited to see all that He does in your family!